I was going to go to a new Bible study yesterday. It's an international study known as Bible Study Fellowship, or BSF. They meet in various churches around the world, and they study one book of the Bible per year (It runs in a seven-year cycle, so it doesn't cover EVERY book of the Bible). I participated one year at my church down in Texas when Sean and I were living there. That year we studied the book of Genesis. And I'll tell you, I learned more about that book than I ever knew before - even though I had read it at least a few times (After all, when you're trying to read the Bible, you usually start at the beginning, and I started at the beginning more than once!). It was a fantastic group, and a fantastic study.
I didn't participate after moving back up to Washington because they don't provide childcare for kids under 2. But now that Christina's old enough, I thought I'd go back. I was all set - I had a friend scheduled to babysit Christina for the intro. day (until you're officially "in the system" at the particular church, childcare isn't available). Then, the night before, as I was praying in bed, I felt God speaking to me.
See, God's been dealing with me for a while about slowing down my lifestyle and spending more time at home. Granted, I am a "stay-at-home mom", but I'm not actually AT HOME very often. I get together with friends and go to lunch or to the park or shopping - basically anything to entertain Christina and I.
God spoke to me through a particular book ("Come Home" From Homeschool, by Marilyn Howshall), and I felt Him telling me that I need to stay home - that being at home more will give Christina opportunities to develop interests of her own, rather than ME having to find entertainment for her (and this is going to be particularly important when it comes to homeschooling, as I plan to let her follow a "delight-directed" learning path, rather than a set curriculum - of course, this could change, but it's my current plan). My issue then is, whenever we truly stay AT HOME all day, most of our day is spent watching TV. Not to say that's ALL we do, but we do it a lot. Ultimately I know this isn't productive, and I need to just stop allowing so much TV.
I guess it's just hard for me because I feel that I need entertainment too. I don't have any major interests that I want to develop for myself (other than doing things online, and I can only really do that when she's occupied with watching TV or napping). But how can I possibly expect Christina to change if I don't change?
In any case, when I was praying the night before BSF, I felt like God was waving a big red flag in front of my face, saying "STOP. I keep trying to tell you what I want for your life, and your daughter's life, and yet you keep doing things your way." I realized that even though I was going to a Bible study to learn about God, God Himself didn't want me to take on another commitment. I need to pare down my schedule, not add to it. So I skipped the Bible study and let my friend watch Christina while I got my hair cut, and then my friend and I had lunch together while our kids played. It was a really nice, relaxing day.
Now I'm at a place of uncertainty. I want to stay at home more and watch TV less - I want that for myself and for my daughter. I want to find an interest that I can develop in myself, and allow Christina to find her interests as well (although I know at this age those interests will be very general). I read that it's good to "Remain at home more often so that you will be forced to deal with the void that surfaces." But the void just seems to point me in the direction of the TV. I guess I just need to face my fear (and I guess that's what it really is, FEAR) that it will be boring around here and just keep the TV off. (It feels really wierd to admit that I have a fear of boredom, but really I bet that fear is pretty common.) God is good, and I have trust that if I will obey Him, he'll show me what to do next. So here I am God - HELP!
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